A total failure

The above 3 words can be best used to describe what kind of a person I am.

Jianwu just gave me a very harsh but startling reminder to me to whom I am.

In the sens of the word, I have been too superficial and tend to defer to others, and not to decide things myself until when it comes to the crunch that it hurts whatever decisions I make.

I have also not been willing to budge from the fact that school results and grades are not everything I need to survive. I hate myself for thinking that way, but then I ask myself, is it really my fault? Or is it the fault of the government in constructing Singapore Society, where results matter, and not passion. After all, the leaders in governments are people who have better grades, scholars and at all. Where are the masses?

I have suffered in trying to become one of the elite, and when Jianwu gave me the lecture, I discovered I have no where to hide. Nowhere. I am miserable because I am standing in a position where I am at nowhere, neither good nor bad. Just ordinary.

I have to start realising that I am my own god, and I have my own mindset. In fact, that is why I am doing SMUN now. I want to have a mind of my own, and how I want to control things the way I want it. It is a constant struggle, but now I realise how lousy and what a failure I have been.

So effectively, my life has been a 0.

0.

0.

0.

How can I revive myself and kick away the many o's that form me?

That is also why I am not good in character when I think I am.

That is also why I am too calculative, too worrisome about how others perform when I should not be.

That is also why I put myself under great stress, hoping that stress can kick away the 0's that are part of me.

I have failed.

I have.

How now?

I do not know.