Highs and Lows of 2006, Confessions, and New Year's Resolutions for 2007

As I have promised, this post is to round up my own moments of 2006...and also reflect on the mistakes I have made, and then work on resolutions for 2007... Just about less than 3 hours to 1/1/2007..hmm...have to get it quick...here goes:

Moments of 2006

There aren't a lot of momentous events for 2006...but here are what I think are the ones I will not forget myself... 1. To take the bill, it definitely has to be Harvard National Model United Nations Conference 2006 - all of it. I learnt a lot of things both internally and externally during the trip itself. As I have gotten to know my friends better because of the moments we had together as a group (both good and bad), I have also learnt the mentalities of students and undergrads of different nationalities - I learnt that there is a significant bunch of American students who are definitely self-centred, while I am impressed by students from Latin America, especially from Chile, Bolivia, and Brazil.

2. Singapore Model United Nations Conference 2006 - Memorable because of the fact that despite the many problems, I can openly declare myself proud of being part of an organising committee that has borken through in terms of doing what PS Society cannot achieve. This is part of the reason, together with the problems in mind that I have come back to do it one more time.

3. Knowing the secret special one that I have known I have found after a long, long time. To my dear, I can only say this - Although we have known each other for a year and a half, I just feel that whenever we are together, we always get to know and learn more about each other...May the romance and merriness last among us for the comng years and beyond...

4. Finding a crucial group of friends that helped me to pull though 2006. Credit to this has to go to several people, guys and gals whom I have known in and outside of CCA work and otherwise. I thank all of you for helping me pull through this difficult year, especially so when my results have not gone well and me losing my own motivation.

Moments to regret in 2006

I admit that there are also a few things to regret, and I am normally not one who tends to regret anything...but here are my top 3. Again, I will not list names because these people know who they are, save for one who I owe a deep apology, but they should know that they are at fault for all of it.

1. SMUN 2006 - I regret and formally apologise to Theresa for what I mentioned in a post a few months earlier about the criticism of her leadership. Not that my comments were unfounded, but rather the timing of it was so wrong that it damaged her morale as a leader and undermined the conference itself. As much as I wanted to defend those who slogged it out like I did, I forgot that the fabric of unity in SMUN 2006 could be easily torn by a few words, and that's what mine did. Theresa, if you read this, I am formally sorry. It is hard when you do express your interest and once again help out the way you did this time last year, and I can only say that I thank you from deep down my heart for your sacrifice and committment. May we becoming long lasting true friends!

2. Recognition and failure to know of a few characters in my new work environment until August 2006 who used me because of my nature that I do not want to undermine people and hence take advantage to advance their own interests. It has been done, and to who reads this message and knows who they are, I only have this for you:

I am not raking up old scores here, I am only reminding myself that there is a reason why I make friends and work with you guys, because I know there will be some more people like you in the future wherever I go. I will not curse you but I will say, good luck for what you are doing. As for your characters, watch your back. Never think you are the best or you have everything because trust me, karma will come to all of us. Life's a cycle - what you reap, you will sow.

3. Rag 2006 - I hate very much to say this, because I come to realise that the real reason to why I did rag all this while was not why I wanted to do it for 3 years in a row. This one is one that I myself will want to forget. Lionel, Yuimin, Fiona and the rest, it hurts me to say this, but as I told Lionel - we paid a heavy price for this Rag. We never really came to terms of combining the human element with the professionalism needed to achieve a winning float. Rag wins when we have the best of both worlds - we had one, but not the other. As a result, I do not know what will happen to next year's float - but for certain, Rag needs to find a solution to a winning float.

As of course, I have my own confessions to make:

First, of course which is the apology to Theresa.

Second, my confession that I have neglected a few of my friends throughout this year because of work matters. Here and then, I have neglected them because of a lack of time and possibly effort to talk to them, and so I promise that I will work on it.

Third, spending more time with my family. Due to CCA stuff I have not spent enough time with my family, and given the conservativeness of my family, and my belief in it, I confess that I am at fault for not doing it. Therefore, I must work on it...but more depends on me finding the balance between school stuff, books, friends and family. It is a struggle, but I will try to do that as much as I can.

Fourth, not enough time for myself. I suppose no better thing can express this better than me falling sick more often than not this year (in fact, I am down again as I type this now). That is a reflection that I need to spend time with myself, relax and regroup. I cannot afford to be on full steam all the time...sooner or later it will drive me mad I suppose.

Resolutions for 2007

As always, the higlight for the last post every year, and for everybody, I need to list down my resolutions for the coming year. No priority for these 10, but they are the ones I see as most important over everything else.

1. SMUN 2007

2. Improved results academic wise

3. Spending more time with family, friends

4. More personal breaks here and then

5. Spending time with my dear, special one... :P

6. Pass a driving test - a must

7. Time management improvement

8. Knowing more friends...

9. Fulfilling and achieving my objectives and obligations without getting burnt out.

10. Ensure a next group of people ready to do the business for future SMUNs, and Rag.

Ok, that's finally all from me...to sign off, I am adding 2 more pictures of myself in an unforgettable trip to HNMUN 2006, which I can never forget....enjoy!



This one is of me standing on snow in Boston Common Garden, just opposite the hotel that I was staying in for HNMUN itself. I think I cannot forget this as I cannot imagine myself being able to see and play with snow...for a long, long time, yet.

This one is of me standing outside UN General Headquarters in New York itself. Cannot forget this moment as well because I cannot see myself standing outside the international governing body this close, never mind the criticisms from various academics and whatsover. Trust me, the world will be a worse place without it.

Happy New Year 2007 everybody, and hope to see you guys around soon and more often!

Results...hmmph

There is not much to say for results, except that they reflect my worst semester ever on campus.

But I will keep fighting on still, and try to make the best out of the curren situation.

Meanwhile, my 'exchange' is done, and I do look forward to spending some time at SMU...it will be a hell of a time shuttling back from school to SMU and back..but oh well, it cannot be helped. Trying to resolve the administrative problems at this point of time.

As I then start to question myself what are the current priorities that I have to handle...just a list of them all...

- Books - NUS to SMU and back
- SMUN
- School Administrative matters
- Family
- Friends
- (and the rest of it)

And of course not forgetting, my special gal...

Have a happy new year 2007 babe...trying to load up my most recent photo (I look particularly haggard and tired), but I will load it up here in a while. Meanwhile, nice to see you back from the Aussieland, and hopefully this trip gives you more energy and motivation for the coming year! The deal between us still stands...you know what it means :P

Ok, now of course back to work, and it seems like I have kind of a breakthrough for a few fronts...not big, but something at least I can burrow my head through now (I am thinking that I am now becoming a crazy rabbit), and am working with all to push it through.

Watch out for my new year's resolutions as they have always been...due to the fact that I will be away for the weekend, and hence be back only on Sunday afternoon for the 'countdown'...sighz...at home again...but will sure post something back then...

Await my 'special' blog then...with new resolutions and confessions...Till then, enjoy your day friends!

Banana skins

Taking time off work for a while, when for no particular reason I thought of banana skins.

Bananas are delicious, but their skins make us trip. Therefore it is a hazard as well as a beneficial item to us.

It then applies for all other items. No one thing is absolutely good.

Think about this...

1. Exams - A must, but harmful because it socialises society from the minute one starts school at a young age.

2. Good Food - No one type or any dish is wholly beneficial. Even with those that are called 'healthy', there is always some substance which is unhealthy that makes it healthy, therefore weakening the body at the same time.

3. Exercise - Good, but doing too much without taking note of your limits can kill.

4. IT - Too much focus on using IT leaves out the human, social element of interaction out of all things that we do.

5. Travelling - Nice scenery, but must negotiate with $.

and a lot more...

So what's the moral of the story about the banana skin?

Do what must be needed, but sufficient enough to achieve it. Do not overdo it.

Suddenly, I think I am becoming a disciple of 'limited war'.

Hmm...

Papers And Work

Exams are here once again...

I will do what I can...but I can only say that this is the hardest semester I have to go through yet...conference and books are not an easy thing to manage...but I am slowly learning the tricks...as I say before, there is a long way to go before I can be a 'normal' person once again...

Happy for my godsis now that she is attached...

For the one and only one...this one is for her...

Enjoy your break in Australia, and you dearly need the break...rest well, come back and be energised again okie? :D

As for the conference itself, it is starting to pick up pace, but then I have to control a lof of things which I did no envisage I have to handle, and have to do this as soon as the papers are over...man, I am sure going to have the busiest holidays ever.

That's all, and those of you who are having exams like me, good luck to us all!

A total failure

The above 3 words can be best used to describe what kind of a person I am.

Jianwu just gave me a very harsh but startling reminder to me to whom I am.

In the sens of the word, I have been too superficial and tend to defer to others, and not to decide things myself until when it comes to the crunch that it hurts whatever decisions I make.

I have also not been willing to budge from the fact that school results and grades are not everything I need to survive. I hate myself for thinking that way, but then I ask myself, is it really my fault? Or is it the fault of the government in constructing Singapore Society, where results matter, and not passion. After all, the leaders in governments are people who have better grades, scholars and at all. Where are the masses?

I have suffered in trying to become one of the elite, and when Jianwu gave me the lecture, I discovered I have no where to hide. Nowhere. I am miserable because I am standing in a position where I am at nowhere, neither good nor bad. Just ordinary.

I have to start realising that I am my own god, and I have my own mindset. In fact, that is why I am doing SMUN now. I want to have a mind of my own, and how I want to control things the way I want it. It is a constant struggle, but now I realise how lousy and what a failure I have been.

So effectively, my life has been a 0.

0.

0.

0.

How can I revive myself and kick away the many o's that form me?

That is also why I am not good in character when I think I am.

That is also why I am too calculative, too worrisome about how others perform when I should not be.

That is also why I put myself under great stress, hoping that stress can kick away the 0's that are part of me.

I have failed.

I have.

How now?

I do not know.

A Tribute...

This is a tribute to one of the 3 greatest sportsmen that I have seen in my lifetime...it is a bit late due to the assignments that I had to catch up with, but now I finally have the chance to do it, and in school..hmm..

Michael Schumacher - Special, Mercurial, Gentlemanly, Brilliant

I cannot say enough for this one special driver who woke me up and stoked my interest in racing on four wheels. My first impression in Formula 1 came, believe it or not, when I saw Aryton Senna's car crash in the walls of a particular race in 1993 (correct me if i am wrong). Then on, commentators all the world said that the most demanding racing sport had lost its most colourful and charismatic driver, and will be hard to replace.

How wrong they were. Senna was a great, but as in all sports, there will be future greats. In F1 at that time, there was such a person waiting in the wings...

Schumacher had made some F1 analysts and scouts sit up with his outstanding performance for a rather mediocre Jordan, and had just made a transition to Benetton where he already seized 3 victories in what was relatively an average car at best. Then on, the world had to take notice. A yong star was born. True to behold, I was able to see him win his 2 championships with Benetton, and then see him make his shock move for Ferrari. Ferrari were in the doldrums, and had lost all hope when its reliable drives Jean Alesi and Gerhard Berger left.

Schumacher came in and was the difference.

He had his controversial clashes with Damon Hill, Jacques Villeneuve but then one must recognise that this is the essence of the winning spirit. Absolutely do everything possible to win. Schumi's frustration must be understood from a racing capacity. He is the only drive that I know will always pull something out of the hat even when the odds throw themselves square at him. He has done it not just once, twice, but so often when at the end of the day, when he manages to do it so well, there is a term coined for this - Schumi magic.

I managed to see him win his 5 other titles with Ferrari, and that's what binded me in the sport of F1. It is an understatement to say that Schumi made me just interested in F1. Then on, I learnt 3 things from him.

Excellence, Willpower, Professionalism with humility.

The fact that he encompassed what it meant to be German - efficient and highly determined with a streak to do the impossible, and that he regularly supports welfare and support for kids with his numerous football apperances for charity matches in UNICEF, and his donation to the Tsumani disaster on the spot, says a lot about his character.

Everything said and done, I am proud to say that I am a converted Tifosi because Schumi's influence on me was special - practising of the true value of life at its very best.

Hail Michael Schumacher, the greatest driver of my generation, and possibly for all time and eternity.

Stubborness

It is a sensitive word...it can mean good and bad.

I was thinking about this after a comment the day before on my previous post.

All I can say is, while I can say that I am stubborn at times, I am not totally stubborn as someone put it. If that's the case, I guess I would have been 'slaughtered' a long time ago.

While obstinacy is bad, it can also be good as well. After all, it is far better than someone who just goes with the wind, has no comments on literally anything, and just lives by the day. Because to do that gives that person no purpose in life, and makes him a bigger failure than others.

It must also be understood that in determination, a portion of that comes from the stubborness in not giving in, in not hearing hearsay, in not hearing derogatory words thrown or actions cast in your direction. It is about doing it whatever the cost because we know the ultimate good of doing it.

Nothing can be achieved if we always suit ourselves to the interests' of others. It will get us nowhere.

I believe that while I know I have angered a lot of people because of my stubborness, I do it because I know it is right. And I am vindicated as such by the events that have gone that way and my knowing that they would have gone worse if not done so. Of course, there are situations where it backfired, but I will live with it.

The only thing I can do is to remove the bad part of my stubborness, which is to be more partial. But not to remove the good part of my stubborness which is my drive to doing whatever it takes to make something good. Because that's the very basis of my willpower.

The truth that is me

Indeed, the posts that I have put up for the last few days have attracted more than enough attention already...

As I know that my biggest weakness is lack of being more sensitive, understanding, and more forgiving, I am not very happy at the derogatory terms that have been thrown at me so far.

But I understand where these comments have come from, and I appreciate them coming. Because they are protective of their friends, and are entitled to do so. However, we each have different views on this matter, and that is what I want to say. I reiterate: I am willing to talk about it if anybody wants to.

For everything that I do, I carry no pretensions and do what I have set out to do.

With that I am content. And that is the way I will carry out myself in the future, no matter what others say of me.

I can only say this: I have learnt some lessons after some key moments in my life, and I will learn them as I walk on the road of life. After all, the road to being a complete person is never ending. I will continue to be honest, frank, sincere and humble. As I learnt a few days ago, I cannot please everybody, and must take everything in my stride. To accomodate everybody is to shoot myself in the foot in the end.

People who are hoping that I will close my blog because if these comments can dream on. Because to do means I am guilty. I am not guilty of any crime, and so I will not do this. I will still write the stories that are part of my life.

Interpretations and Misinterpretations

As a note to the previous post, some replies must be made:

First of all, the views that are being expressed are solely of what I can see from the third point of view where I stand. Hence, as I always said that at some issues this is where I am looking at, and I thank all of you guys who have criticised me as such. As also, I admit that my view is rather inadequate of the issue at hand, and I apologise to the person whom I am indicating at for having any misunderstandings about her in the end. I got a very fair explanation from one of them who knows her well and I am convinced that my views has not given that person fair justice.

It seems that I have really misunderstood her, and if anything, it still seems that for the project concerned, she indeed had the passion to drive on. But being the cautious and apprehensive person that I am at times, I am the first to say that I was never convinced about her fully because I cannot understand her actions at times. Perhaps there is something under that, but I will leave things as it is. If I am being given the chance to know her side of the issue better, I am all ears. Otherwise, I apologise that my views have offended her, I admit that, but I still want to say that her actions since school reopened have confounded me at the very least, hence leading to my interpretations about her.

I have to say that that's the price because I am a very straightforward person as I comment on what I see, and I do not want to believe in rumours and explanations partly because I cannot see it. If I can see it, then it is very obvious to how a certain person can be interpreted.

I admit that my assessment of the person concerned is unfair because it is very narrow minded as it is just from my point of view, and to that I am at fault.

Another lesson on perception bias, but that will not stop me from being blunt still. Because being plain honest is the way I am, and I know that it will take a lot of me to be not straightforward. Something I must work on again and again...

Passion...

What is passion?

Passion is something that we do because we truly have the interest for it, and we do it with only one thing: to se our dreams come true with why we started in the first place. Results do not matter, and the love of what we do and believe in sustains us through the difficult moments of what we do.

I was just thinking about it because I am pretty disgusted by some people whose actions have made me very angry and stupid. Angry because they have stepped over devoted people like us to achieve things which did not arise out of their passion; stupid because people like me have been taken for a ride by them because we have always been willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, only to be 'eaten up' by them.

One of them, is one that I had vehemently criticised in a previous post some time ago, and while I have mended fences with her, I will like to say that, for some things, I can understand. But to forgive and forget? The answer is no. For forgiving and forgetting is to deride my own moral principles and lower my integrity. No way I can do that.

The other, is one whom I always wanted to say that I was right about deciding this person, but no one chose to believe me. In an event organised where there was a gathering of seniors and freshmen, she was around and did not even want to look at us. When I did say hi to her, she gave a very nonchalant reply and walked out with her friend who was an ex committee member. It says everything I was right about her from the start. In all, this person who took over the project, so integral to everything that I saw when I started university life never had the passion AT ALL. She, like the previous person, exploited it solely to advance her political agendas. Fortunately, she did not succeed as the right team came up in strength and sent her reeling because she thought that achieving her objectives would be a piece of cake once the project was ended.

Food for thought? Sure is, and the moral of the story: Do something because you are passionate, and not because you see the material benefits of doing it. Having anything else other than that makes you a damn selfish person, and I have no room for selfish people. Period.

Stress...and its lessons from a singer

Just read an article on Mavis Hee...and I feel a lot of sadness for her...

Prominent in my growing years where many of us will agree that she was the first Chinese prominent female singer after Teresa Teng's passing in 1994, she was so cheerful, and loved singing...and some of her songs were my favourites too...

But today, the merciless nature of the music industry has forced older singers who still have their forte and style but not relevant for the masses out...Singapore is no exception.

As I grew up, there was Mavis Hee and Kit Chan, then came Tanya Chua...now we have A-do, Stefanie Sun, and JJ Lin.

The aftermath of this has led to Mavis suffering and it is a big blow for anyone who has to come to terms with a sudden drop if your future would be blighted by circumstances such as this.

As a music lover, I really hope to see Mavis Hee come back to the singing stage again. For she can do if she believes. And in my opinion, the whole nation will be behind her when she makes her comeback soon.

If you do not know Singapore music that well, at least this provides a short commentary in the scene of the 1990s...anyway, I am lending my voice to the many fans who want Mavis back. After all, they are like me, hearing her music while growing up.

To end it off, here is her latest song to date, "Ming Zhi Dao". A very soothing though sad song which talks about the irony of love: something which is painful but will always stay in our hearts.

A song for all couples, especially the newly inaugurated pair which is just a few days old...you know whom I am talking about...all the best to you and her...

曲名：明知道 歌手：许美静 专辑：铁窗

我想算了吧 不如就这样地分手
我的心在痛 对你的爱太浓
是否你能带走过去的承诺 不再对你奢求什么
只想让你懂 转过身就不能回头
已经做決定 又何必再强留
选择了离开我 还能说什么 爱使你爱使我迷惑
明知道爱你不会有结果 为何还如此执着
为你付出所有 你竟不顾一切就走
明知道爱你只是继续错 为何还如此脆弱
已经习惯有你 已经不能将你摆脱

也许当一场梦 梦醒一切都随风

People Management

Something about what I learnt today:

It is called perception bias. It is very funny, because after what I have realised after today's tutorial, then I start to ask myself whether I am committing the same kind of mistakes.

I always tell myself that when I treat people, I must givem them the due benefit of doubt and treat them with all sincerity. And so far I think I have. But I can dare say that all of us commit some sort of perception bias here and there when we judge people, i.e., who is good, who is bad, who is cunning, who plays a political game always, etc. I am not saying that our judgements are wrong, but what I am saying is that we should be fair to all people when we assess each other. And be fair too in receiving criticisms from third party observers because they can see best from where we sometimes cannot even see from.

The moral of the story: Be sincere. Be truthful. Be professional. Be loyal. And lastly, have no agendas when you want to make friends. You make friends because you truly want them to be your companions along the road that is your life.

In a way, this is a censure to all political animals. They will all get their desserts.

New updates...new problems...and possibly my final word on the place where I started from

A new challenge, new problems...

The conference itself is not easy at all...but there already a few problems that I must overcome...

I can only say that it is a challenge to myself because it forces myself to organise my thoughts and manage my time so that I have time for everything and anything...nothing compared to real life work, but vitally important for me to step up to get used to work pressures that can be at least ten times as killing...

Ok, back to the troubles...I suppose with troubles comes challenges, and challenges make us better people because we must face it.

So I now formally congratulate the 27th Management Committee of the NUS Students' Arts and Social Sciences Club:

- Reuben and Lionel as President and Vice President,
- Chuan Seng for a hard won win as Hon Gen Sec,
- Jeremy as Treasurer,
- Nicholas as Welfare, and Xinyu as his deputy
- Joshua as my 'grandson' - Publications, and Jackson as his deputy,
- James as Marketing Cell Head,
- Michelle as FOP Chairperson,
- Amanda as Sports, and Kenneth as her deputy,
- Camy as Publicity,
- Shuning as Charity,
- Camy as Publicity,
- Tyler as Business,
- and James as Marketing.

Friends and all, the 27th MC.

Just want to make the point that this is probably the very last post that will mention the Arts Club by name...and I have decided that my efforts and attention need me elsewhere now...the time has come for me to do what I must do.

The remaining efforts for me now are properly diverted to 3 issues:
- Handover of my job scope to my successor,
- Settling into my job and sorting all the problems as SMUN 2007 Sec-Gen
- Books and results to go up.

A special message:

To my loved one...we sure have a fun and wonderful time the days before...I hope we can keep it up ok? May the bond and love between us stay and last for as long as it can be...

A song of dedication for all love romantics, and of course that includes me... :P

珊瑚海 歌手：周杰伦 专辑：十一月的萧邦
(Jay) 海平面远方开始阴霾 悲伤要怎么平静纯白我的脸上 始终挟带 一抹浅浅的无奈
(Lara) 你用唇语说你要离开 (心不在)
(合) 那难过无声慢了下来 汹涌潮水 你听明白 不是浪而是泪海
(合) 转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外我们的爱 (给的爱) 差异一直存在 (回不来) 风中尘埃 (等待) 竟累计成伤害
(合) 转身离开 (分手说不出来) 分手说不出来 蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白当初彼此 (你我都) 不够成熟坦白 (不应该) 热情不再 (你的) 笑容勉强不来 爱深埋珊瑚海
(Jay) 毁坏的沙雕如何重来 有裂痕的爱怎么重盖只是一切 结束太快 你说你无法释怀
(Lara) 贝壳里隐藏什么期待 (等花儿开)
(合) 我们也已经无心再猜 面向海风 咸咸的爱 尝不出还有未来
(合) 转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外我们的爱 (给的爱) 差异一直存在 (回不来) 风中尘埃 (等待) 竟累计成伤害
(合) 转身离开 (分手说不出来) 分手说不出来 蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白当初彼此 (你我都) 不够成熟坦白 (不应该) 热情不再 (你的) 笑容勉强不来 爱深埋珊瑚海

Another One:

再度重相逢 歌手：伍佰 专辑：泪桥

你说人生如梦 我说人生如秀
那有什么不同 不都一样朦胧
朦胧中有你 有你跟我就已经足够
你就在我的世界 升起了彩虹
简单爱你心所爱 世界也变得大了起来
所有花都为你开 所有景物也为了你安排
我们是如此的不同 肯定前世就已经深爱过
讲好了这一辈子 再度重相逢

Time strikes...now I have what I wish for...finally

It has been a while since I have felt truly happy...

Happy for a lot of people...not just myself.

First of all...I am happy for Thomas...because he can finally leave after a full 3 years at the helm, with a very trusted committee of people he knows can only bring PSSOC forward...

I am also happy for all the new members of the 38th Exco...because I know they are the best people and have the drive to see a lot of things true. Furthermore, this is truly a committee with different nationalities...now that's very interesting.

I am also happy that there are a lot of raggers running for Arts Club 27th MC...they are the people whom I know have the best interests of the Arts undergrads at heart and help out with their determination. Therefore, I am calling for all of you guys to give Reuben, Lionel, Aaron and the raggers their support! They are indeed the best team prepared to handle the rigours of one more year...

And finally...happy for myself. My current job has now found the best possible replacement whom I can fully entrust my work on and continue, while I have gotten my dream job - A conference... It is now mine's to lose.

Let's hope things really look up from here on in...

Are there any 'lousy' people?

I suddenly came to this thought, even though I am not feeling well right now, because there is more than one instance where I hear of my friends calling their own committee members and friends 'not up to standard', ' low calibre', 'lousy', 'cannot make it', and a lot more...

As a person who has to fight through everything from scratch, I am quite offended by these remarks.

Just to clarify, in my own opinion, no one is 'lousy', ' low calibre', 'cannot make it' and what have you. As the Chinese sayings go that there is an expert for every field of work, and every dog has its day, the point that I want to make is that we do not deserve to judge anyone as lousy, or having no potential whatsoever.

The critical issue, in which so many of us forget, is to try and help them and us look out for the one special thing that each and every one of us can excel in.

In fact those who call these remarks should retract those derogatory and demoralising phrases. Because we all start from scratch somewhere. Take my ex classmate for example who started from scratch after O levels but has finally carved out a career for himself and is doing very well.

So the moral of the story: Before you even think of saying these words, think about yourself in their shoes and ask yourself if you can do better than them. If you can, help them out, or do their work to prove a point. Otherwise, it is best not to say it.

Uneasiness...and a confession

I had an uneasy few days now to say the very least.

For the need to settle outstanding CCA matters, I have just about incurred the wrath of the rest who have wanted to see things but so far had not happened.

There is worse to come though, but the consolating part of it all is that it should be settled by 1st September 2006. Anyhow, that is.

A good friend of mine showed me a message that was sent by my ex boss, and while he told me how saddened it was, I was not surprised to say the least. Well, as I told him, for this issue, I way suspected her motives all the while long when all this started. Because I think I was the only one who saw that she was not doing the project for the love of it, rather, she wants to do it well so as to further her agenda forward…or so it may or may not seem.

This is sad because in my opinion, that equals to telling me that I have wasted a lot of precious time being miserable and yet kept alive only by the passion that has kept me going…Then I asked myself this question again:

So what are my priorities this time around? What is it that I really like to do?

What is my ultimate dream activity that I want to organise for myself here?

After considering it over the weekend, I have come to a decision. Suddenly, I feel at peace with myself.

To all my friends out there who think who have not gained anything beneficial or enjoyed your university life because you have been doing things that had not been to your liking, my advice is leave and really invest time in doing what you love and want to do.

Because it is from what you love doing that you also learn the most out of what you want to achieve. Trust me.

Finally, I have dedicated this final paragraph to one special person who I know I truly love…

To this special one…it has been a special way of knowing you for the past 13 months…I do not know what eventually led us to this, but I can only say that fate has gotten us together. The very fact that we have stuck through after several of our own tribulations shows that this is meant to last, and I truly hope that you can truly consider it and walk this next road of my life together with me. I suppose this is an open declaration of love, I admit, but due to the special circumstances of it, I know this is my most sincere way of telling you that I am ready for anything that comes. I have seen a lot of relationships spark and fizzle out, but I really hope that ours will always burn with passion and love.

In any case, I just want to say: I truly like you and will stick out with you for anything and through anything.

For all the rest of you guys out there, this may seem stupid to you, but just take it that you are reading this from a guy that has learnt to cherish everything that he knows must be hold tight and close…for so many things have happened in this world that have made me learn to be more protective of what I truly believe and treasure in…especially this.

Love, Alvin.

Lessons...2 years on...

I always thought that I have done everything that I could in my ability and cannot do anymore further...

But I learnt a few lessons this week. Lessons that taught me how to judge myself in the face of other people and how to correctly move on from here.

As I met 2 of my old classmates yesterday, we happened to talk about stuff that we do not really talk about since we never met for the last few years or so. Time flies...

As one of them told me about her experiences...I cannot help but marvel at her...

Staying in hall, doing multiple CCAs...doing social work, and graduating with honours.

That really made me look like crap when I think about myself. I learnt a harsh lesson about challenging myself to new limits. Stress is necessary, but what I learnt yesterday is that I have to effectively use stress to my advantage.

And also, I have to practise a lot more on time management, and also on diplomacy and etc...Time to brush up on them.

I also discovered that for myself, the key critical thing is to realise that I do not have much time to do what I really want to do...so I must now prioritise and decide the things which I can properly devote myself in...and enjoy what I love to do...in that manner, I can remove some of my pessimism and stay happy.

So for the million dollar question for me is: What career should I pursue...?

I am stuck at 2 choices now, but I cannot decide on which one is really the one which I should do...I guess I do not have much time left to think about this...that's a worry.

Also, I guess I need to end off Rag properly. I realised that especially since I did not make it in time to see the dancers perform yesterday that I must understand one crucial point: I have indeed done my very best for Rag.

Indeed, to have given 3 years of my life for Arts Rag is the most massive commitment that I have done for any project ever. I can safely say that save my job, I cannot have that passion to do for any other project that I will get involved in in the future, maybe forever.

Arts Rag has now become etched inseperably from the happy part of my university life: dreams that I thought were not possible were finally realised everytime I join Rag and see it through as part of the happy family that I know called Raggers.

Rag 2004 - Realisation of the last Rag with the seniors who have done it all since Dragon Rag.

Rag 2005 - Completion of a new breakthrough concept under the worst of all circumstances.

Rag 2006 - The best float that I have been in, Arts has ever seen for now, and justifiably one that will be the benchmark for all other Rags to surpass...

With that, I leave Rag with the happy memories and all...I am raggerfied.

Rag 2006: The run up, the day itself, afterthoughts...and a lot more

This post is critical to me because it carries special significance regarding Rag itself. Whatever that happened for Rag especially yesterday decides my course of action from here on...

The final week of Rag 2006 had a intensive run up, and mine started when I came back last Sunday afternoon to help out with the touch up of the bingo machine. With my main task being to ensure that the lorry for the float was ready for mounting as and when Lionel wanted, it was a relief when I managed to get it here when me and Jianwu got it here on Monday morning. But the story did not end there of course. When the lorry itself broke down on Thursday, my heart sank. That meant that the plans to mount the float were delayed. Things were made worse when it rained from Monday all the way to Friday morning.

When all these problems were finally resolved, we thought we had combated the worst case scenarios that our float could experience. We thought that all that was left was to carry out according to plan and we will get the rewards that Arts Rag was long overdue to get.

But, yesterday, it did not happen.

Arts Rag 2006 ended up with nothing.

Best float presentation ended up with Medicine, float design to Business, and overall float to SDE.

If you want to know my response to this, I am very very bitter with them, as with all fellow raggers.

Medicine - It is damn obvious that a big chunk of the dancers that performed were NOT students of Medicine faculty in NUS. This is so blatant because of the fact that the dance moves that these dancers performed compared to the students themselves were different and of a much higher level, even better than the halls themselves.

Business - Their main float design was haphazard to say the least when I saw them come in, and there was just no way that they could be in contention to win it all. I was sure that we had the best chance of winning this because our main float was indeed the best of the faculties as ours was the really pure 3-D strucuture of them all. A political move? I cannot say, but it sure has some connections with something else somewhere...

SDE - I am really very very gutted. Simply because they used last year's design and theme and copied wholesale. Period. And yet they won. I am sure this result has greatly insulted all other faculties, not just Arts.

The only thing that I can be comforted is that these results, because of the controversy behind them all, will not end on Saturday. At least I am assured by a friend of mine that it will not be. In any case, I am thinking of making my voice known to all in campus the double standards of NUSSU and the validity of the results.

All of us were in tears when the results were released.

Yuimin, Gerri, Wenhui broke down on the spot. Jasmine tried to hold back but couldn't do so either. Lionel broke down too when he gave his debrief. Michelle and Xinyu, 2 of the best freshies to have helped Rag, cried inconsolably.
Jianwu cried too as well... In a word, no senior ragger was not in tears, except for Hock who had to help put up a strong front for us all.

As for me, I just could not hold back my tears when it all sunk in when all hope for any result was lost.

3 years of Rag.

All came down to this day, I thought when I embarked on this trip for the 3rd time over.

All of us sacrificed so much of our time to make Arts Rag 2006 work. And when it really worked, we were overjoyed because we knew we did all we could and it came out as perfect as we wanted it to be.

Still, some words that a few of us said are critical in emphasising what Rag 2006 meant to us all.

Lionel - " The feeling of having a winning rag because we did everything we could as one..."

Gerri - " We do it because we come back when others keep knocking us down, so that we can all prove a point to the rest..."

Jasmine - "The best Rag for me personally for my 4 years..."

The pain of Rag.

I asked myself, what more must we do to prove out point that Arts Rag is a force to be reckoned with...

Then I came up with this conclusion late yesterday night: Arts Rag 2006 will be known to me as the champion float that was robbed of victory in the most ridiculous of circumstances.

So comes the question: Will anyone take up the mantle of Rag and push for next year?

As I talked to Michelle before leaving, she promised that she will redress the injustice suffered yesterday by doing next year. And I know that she is not the only one.

As for Rag 2006, it fully symbolised the motto of Rag: Passion, Friendships, Triumph.

Passion - The belief that we knew that we had a winning float, and we worked on it 8 months back and finished it on schedule and performed it the way we wanted it to be in our dreams.

Friendships - Strong bonds were created among seniors and freshmen on the very cause of making a good Rag. We crapped, ate, slept, bled and shed tears, but all united the name of doing up the Rag that symbolised our dreams and bonds.

Triumph - Even as Arts did not win, we won the respect of other faculties, halls, and a lot more. Other faculties saluted us for our monster of a float that even stood up to the halls even. I overheard people from other faculties looking at us with envy as they walked past out float. We walked out of Rag day as a real force to be reckoned with at the end...

For me, this moment is poignant.

Simply for the fact that this is the last Rag that I could help out actively. This time, next year, I will working elsewhere to get some job experience.

But if that's the way I have to end off my bond with Rag, then so be it.

Because I have no regrets in doing it, and I will never do for the rest of my life.

If you are not a ragger, it is simply not possible for you to realise how me and fellow Raggers feel now. Simply because it is no ordinary project. This is the only one which teaches you how you should see things in life: With commitment, dignity, respect and love for what you want to do.

For me, the process of Raggerification has undergone a new meaning...and I am thankful for being part of Rag 2006. Simply because I am allowed to be part of this and relive the true meaning of Rag yet again.

Be Raggerfied.

Decision making

The time has come to a point which I must decide for books and CCA stuff again. To keep things going, here goes:

I definitely have to focus a lot more on my studies right now. Thinking about the slide in results, I need to do something to stop the slide, and I surely have to do good semesters to keep myself in the running for good results to come. So I am positioning my priority to books especially come August.

As for PSSOC, I have definitely realised that the society has given me more than what I have given to it. I sure recognise the fact that without this one year, I would not have learnt a few things such as diplomacy, man management, and OJT. So the time comes to me deciding how to give back to the place that accepted me when I was in my deepest misery. I think I have found the answer to that, but I will have to sort it out with a few people in the current committee to see this through.

One thing though...I do not see myself running the committee myself because I know I am not ready to do so. In fact, the opportunity for myself to be the boss or President of any majoy project will take a long time, but I now realise what it takes to be there.

Of course, not forgetting to update for Rag of course...

The mechanism is finally done for the main float, so that's a wonderful thing to celebrate. In fact, the success has shown that the main float does beat the main floats of past Arts Rags, so I am feeling confident that this Rag is going to exceed all expectations.

Still, there are problems to tackle...Manpower, finances, logistics, and the lorry itself...and how we can finally get this done. But I am confident still that with fellow Raggers, we can overcome them, and show the full potential and awake the sleeping dragon that Arts has been to Rag. Truly, I can feel that this Rag, although I am not as greatly involved as the last, is the one that can realise my dream of being in a winning Rag...

Long Live Arts Rag 2006!

Problems all around...melancholy?

Read an article just some time ago...it seems like this is not ending. I will not comment on it, other than I will just consign it to history. For more info on this, I will only talk about this in private.

The more urgent issue though, is that I am not getting a vote of confidence for what I have been doing. Money matters is not good already, what more the no vote of confidence shown in me by a few important people who need to know of the situation right now?

This is not looking good.

As for rag, things have considerably slowed down, though not on purpose. Lionel's away for his diving, and I can only thank the heavens that Reuben has come in at the right time to help the hard techies out. I really felt it when Reuben sprained his back doing the mechanism for the main float at around 1am last Thursday. Even with the few of us around such as Guan Jie, Paul, Jingyi, Eileen...we managed to do make progress when the freshies and some seniors had to go at night (I am guilty because I had to go for another committee meeting at night only to come back later at 10pm)...

That's why Arts Rag will win. Because the hearts of all Raggers will carry it through no matter the obstacles, big or small, or how many of them we must overcome. At the end of the day, because of raggers and the heart of the freshies who are willing to stick it out with us, Arts Rag 2006 will be the most wonderful Rag I can consider myself to be part of.

Right now, I am awaiting for more raggers and close friends who can help out once their internships are over...if anything, let me know if you can help out...

Be Raggerfied 2006 - Passion, Friendships, Triumph.

Freedom of Expression...and other things

Someone just commented that there is no private blog...

This is with reference to the blogging issue that came up during a fellow NUS undergrad's exchange to China...

However, when one blogs, it is mostly about his own feelings regarding a certain issue, so definitely that has to be understood in a personal context. Still, when one makes certain remarks, one must specify however if it is purely because of the incident itself, or it is really personal. Just like how I defined mine. I declared it as work when it is work, personal when it is personal. Do it and miscommuications can be much avoided.

Ok back to the other issues...

Arts Camo just ended, and I guess I will feel left out when I resume Rag this Sunday. That is because I don't think I will have much people or freshies to talk to, and that's when I have to work everything from scratch... But more importantly, Rag must get going. There have been problems along the way, some big, some small, but we managed to resolve in the best way possible now, so the only thing left is to get the rest of the stuff done.

Only 1 month remains, so guys, if you all can chip in anyhow, just give me an sms, or drop me a ring. Your help is very much appreciated...and any form will do! :) Soft tech, hard tech, dance, etc... I thank you guys on behalf of Rag com 2006!

But I still have to settle CCA stuff as usual, with payments still outstanding and other issues to handle as well...so it looks like I will have a really busy week ahead, whether I like it or not.

Life...as it is

I think I just want to add to what I just said...

It's never easy working at any place, any organisation.

Everywhere you go, you will make friends. But at the same time, you do make enemies, whether is it accidentally, or because of circumstances.

What I have come to realise is that at the end of it all, so long as one retains his own principles, and maintains his dignity at the end of it all, he can then be said to be a hero irregardless of what happens.

JFK, Gandhi, Jinnah, Bill Gates, Winston Churchill, FDR...and the list goes on.

They were heroes, but they had enemies as well.

I too have made enemies, but I have made a lot of good friends whom I know I can spend my time with in the times to come.

It is time for me to decide whether I should make the step up, but I will do the best to my abilities.

I am who I am, and it's now time to decide what's good, what's bad, and what should be preserved and defended in my own opinion. If someone wants to spoil my reputation, I will give that person a 'wonderful' time...so 'good' that he will regret ever messing with me.

I have been an innocent and compromising fool for too long a while now...

Time has come for a change.

The issue of backstabbing...my reply to a reply on my last post

The issue of backstabbing...and accusing her no reason...

As it has always been, is that I have been accused of these 2 charges.

Need I remind a friend of mine that she has nothing to gain by playing this issue with me. She may be wiser, more experienced in handling society matters than I am, she has to kindly understand that I have refrained myself from disrupting any friendly working atmosphere there exists among us all.

To the rest of you who are reading this, this friend of mine is thinking that I am running for the next committee. And of course she thinks that I have an unassailable position, and now she wants to spill out my mistakes. She may be good, academically wise, brain wise, and whatever good points she has mentioned, but she has committed a mistake which I am not happy with.

But allow me to clarify some issues:

- First of all, I have not decided about what to do next semester. So her assumption that I will be running for something higher in my CCA now is unfounded. After all, I have not said that I am going to.

- In her point that I have acted as nothing has happened, my response to her is: I separate work from personal matters. So if she wants to carry this on, let it be. Because I know what needs to be sorted out at what level.

- Of course I am still inexperienced in these things, so if she wants to take this to me, I may not win, I admit. But I will not let anyone destroy my name.

- And if she thinks that I will renounce my friendship because of this matter, then I think I may have wasted one year knowing her as a friend. If she wants to disrupt my personal life, and if I know that happens, I will just be disappointed. She, as my senior, and at a higher position here, should be mature enought to understand that.

My friendship with my boss is what made me join the committee in the first place. Brotherhood? I beg to differ. Obviously she has not made an attempt to understand what I have been doing behind the scenes. Not that I can blame her for that. We each have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose, 1 mouth, and we have so many things to sort out ourselves.

And of course, this space is mine.

Therefore, this will be my reply to her post on her blog that I will not reveal to respect her privacy, not like her who has chosen to reveal mine.

Not that I have any dark conscience. To the contrary, I have been doing my stuff week in and week out, and I do not need to tell the whole world what I am doing to glorify myself.

But I am not going to change my principles just because of this incident.

Life is not easy...and we all make mistakes. The key issue is to learn. And not to make any assumptions.

Have I made any? I will not say anything about this, since someone else can always argue that I have made some assumptions somewhere.

At the end of the day, I still hail my Rag spirit in helping me tide this issue. Saying which I must apologise to all raggers who have gone for Arts Camp since I did not make it. It's for things like this which now warrant my attention.

And to her final charge that she thinks that I am not well enough to play but to do something else...I have not been well, but not ill enough to ignore my raggers whom I have neglected for these 2 weeks while busy with SMUN...carrying newspapers is less exerting that playing a game. I have divided my time such that I have to settle for both socety matters and rag equally.

As for the two parties that I mentioned in the last post, I honestly tell the truth when I say that it's always nice to have you both as my truly close friends. I appreciate that. But in my opinion we have a fundamental difference in working styles that I am afraid we can never reconcile. So therefore since I may not be seeing you both that often again in the months to come, I sincerely wish the best to you both in your endeavours, everything else in life.

This is my one and only official reply, and I want to say this again:

My displeasure is over Work, never Personal. No personal damage intended.

Updates...and a message for some others

It has been a while since I posted here...so here goes with the updates from the past 3 weeks...

SMUN 2006 done from 7/6 to 9/6 was a successful event to say the very least...when it was done, I did not feel joy. Rather, I felt relief more than anything else. One the one hand, I was helpless at the few people who were just free riding the past 4 months of plannig, leading up the the quarrels, spats and all. Also, there have been cases of unilateralism at the wrong times when the vital reports of others have been discarded or chucked aside for the reason that they do not want to hear the truth that is the bad news.

Anyway, I have talked to the relevant people and though I am nt satisfied by their replies, I decided to let it pass. Well, I am not the boss of SMUN. I compensated the Logistics team for their hard work by giving them a well deserved treat at the end of the day at Holland V. That is the very least that I could do to help them.

And now, SMUN ends with me trying to sort out the outstanding debt and finances I have to do myself. I will get that settled as soon as possible...

The next weekend, I helped out Jingyi and the raggers in doing Karang Guni collection in Ang Mo Kio. It was definitely a more meaningful way to spend the weekend, rather than having an exercise session, or doing other stuff. Sure was a great time for me as I experienced what it really took to be a newspaper collector. At the end of the day, managed to raise $760...long live raggers! That would sure go a long way in settling a lot of debts that the committee has spent so far.

In the midst of it, I am repaying my debt to the raggers by staying in school to help build up the float...I know my role has been minimal, but I can say that I am doing my bit to help build the float, from the hard tech side at the very least. The only reason why I am not doing so much for the soft tech side is because I am a 'rough' person, and I am not suited at decorating stuff myself.

Just this week, I went for a meeting that was to reorganise SMUN secretariat for the next session in 2007...and there emerged a big spat between me and my VP. Not that I am going to say that who is in the wrong, but I am being at the end of her personal attacks against me. Obviously I was trying to argue from the side of reason and logic, but I could see that she was trying to push her agenda to the forefront. To make things simmer down, my boss decided to adjourn things to a later date, with a lot more ramifications.

I am not afraid to say this, and I will say it.

The PD of SMUN 2006 and my VP are such people that I regret meeting, because like my pervious boss (I will not mention who, but you guys will know who I want to talk about - yes, it's him), they epitomise the 3 things I do not want to see:

- like to hog the limelight
- untactical and unreasonable
- pushing their own agenda forward at all costs, and not being logical.

My PR skills may not be top notch by a long shot, but at least I know that I am responsible and committed...and that I will see things through whatever the cost because I know it benefits everyone. And I know what the word SHIT means.

The other 2 people don't, and they will never know. Good luck to them...

At the end of the day, I can only say that my resilience is being built all thanks to Rag.

Rag 2006 - Be Raggerfied with victory...because this is the one which Arts will stand up all.

Who appreciates?

I just have to send this up...

I saw a very tired Lionel today...he's looking a lot more haggard than I have seen him two weeks ago...something is not right.

I do not see the zest he had when he started out with Rag in January, what I saw was a very tired Lionel before Arts Camp pre-camp. I do not know why am I seeing that.

Then I look at myself and am frustrated with the way I am doing my job for SMUN next week. I have been too accomodating. Too accomodating that I have shot myself in the foot. Then I realise that I have been looking a lot more tired.

Tired of all the power politics. Tired because there are just a lot of selfish people wanting to pursue their means without considering others. Tired becase people have been using others to ride other working mates together.

I am irritated, frustrated and pissed off.

Who exactly appreciates all the slack people like me and Lionel do?

Some people just take people who slogged off like us for granted.

Stress..and a message for someone

Results were out last friday...but obviously they have not been well...

I have been telling myself to put things into perspective...but instead got a heavy berating from my mum instead. Some may call me mamma's boy, but believe me, it's never nice when u get a heavy berating from my mum, even though I personally felt that I did all I could with my current results in this situation.

Still, this pressure exerted on me by my parents, relatives, whom some of my relatives only know how to play hypocrite because they look down on me just gets to me. The consolation from this is that I have managed it well so far, but I can tell you that I will be over the boiling point soon.

I have my work cut out for myself next semester. That's all I know right now.

Another thing that has been troubling me these few days is society work. I talked to some of my working mates in the upcoming Singapore Model United Nations Conference and they have told me about their displeasures with the boss. One has even gone to the extent of washing his hands off the matter. It took a lot of persuasion to tell him to help do this last favour that I saw it important, and then let him rest his mind and enjoy his reservist and the rest of his days with his girlfriend.

The next paragraph is for the person in question, and you do not need to read of course.

Theresa, if you are looking at this right now, (if you stumble upon it), the person I am talking about is you. The cardinal sin you have committed is that you have overridden a lot of people without even telling them what you are planning to do in the first place. I do not want to tell this to you in person because I do not want to spoil the dynamics of SMUN. But in any case, if you are not aware, you have pissed off key members of the administration team with the way things you have done. That also includes me, although I can understand some of your frustrations. Still, you cannot allow yourself to be overridden by someone, knock down another person in a msn chat and then do what you want without even telling us. It will put us in a very tight spot.

In case I forget, rag has been going good...

Had a good dinner with the raggers, including a surprise visit by Fiona (not for me since she told me that she's already coming last week). Fiona...thanks for your presence...you rock!

The following is for Lionel: Lionel, if you read this, I just want to tell you this:

Your confidence in us was not unfounded...we managed to get the float down to where you wanted, but in the process, you have to buy a lot of us makan soonz! :P (16 of us in fact)

Be raggerfied...and long live SMUN for next week!