Some things to fix up

Just a note for myself, here are the following things to fix up:

- Settle position paper
- Financial statements all the way until end 2005
- Attend 3 gatherings
- Settle excess financial reserves for the Boston trip
- Resolutions

All to be done in the next 48 hours. That's all...hmmph

Reflections...

Been busy since last post...so I did not really post anything for last few times...but anyway, just to reflect one a few things:

1) Harvard stuff - I am now working on my position paper. Although it looks easy in the first place, it actually becomes very hard, all because of the fact that I have to devise a policy for a nation that is only 5 years old! Hmmph...let me think something for that really asap... All I can say is that I will get it done in the next 2 days. Period.

2) Results - Not as good as I wanted, but I know that that it could be a lot more worse. In all, I know what must be done to try to readjust my standing so that I am in better stead come FOP in 6 months time.

3) Society stuff - Just have had multiple talks with Thomas, Chuin, Angela and Jon...a lot of work needs to be cleared up in a short time..including accounts, events and stuff, so I am definitely occupied in the next 3 months at least per se. Not forgetting the chalet on 5/1...cannot forget...

4) Arts club - Every time I think of this, I just get more depressed. Because now that Rag is in the hands of a freshie who has no idea about rag, I have more doubts about her more than anything else. I salute her enthusiasm for taking on a project that needs a lot more tenacity and willpower, but I also think of the implications now that Jingyi is doing it. After all, if an O weeker like her can do a good rag, where does that leave Rag in the the mentality of Raggers? What about future MCs and their opinion about Rag and O week in the future? It looks like things do not look as good, but it is out of my hands anyway. Sorry to all raggers, but I cannot take up because I cannot be selfish and leave PS Soc alone. It's just not right. But I will do my best anyway...guranteed.

5) Personal - Love life is not getting anywhere...family relations are getting strained. Now that my bro's getting engaged later today, I will look so out of place...imagine what others will say when my bros have girlfriends and I do not even come close to getting one...haiz. Will see that I can do for myself to sort things out, as usual, I am the one relied to stay at home now that my brothers keep going out partly due to being attached...

Finally...

Resolutions!

I usually look forward to setting new goals, but not this time round...because this time round I have to reflect a lot more...see what I can achieve and how can I get them done...me not getting younger already. Have to set some things straight.

Wherever you are, Merry Christmas 2005 and an advanced Happy New Year 2006!

Long delayed one...

It's nearly a month since I posted here...how time flies...

Exams are done finally, so that means I can take a break of sorts. I guess those who like me have to endure the pain of 2 weeks or so will also want to enjoy this short break of 1 month...it's not long, but it's better than anything else...

At least books are ok, although in due reflection I may have to say that the modules I have chosen are a bit more than I can chew, and I think that may be due to my underestimation of the workload that comes with them, but it's done anyway.

So all that means now is that I can concentrate for my trip to Boston in 2 months...things have hit a snag with the fundraising efforts, but all I know is that I have to dig in, whatever the cost...

Looking forward to reunite with my OG and raggers soon enough, and back to the regular badminton sessions...yay! Speaking of badminton, I do have a few 'scores' to settle...heez....

Life goes on....exams....

This is another one of those days, when I am just inspired to blog...

A few things happened the last time since I came here...here are just a few things:

- house aircon broke down
- settled my 3 remaining essays
- settled financial accounts, at long last
- one dengue case at my block
- seeing and studying more of my notes

As currently, I am still working, and not properly revising yet...all thanks to A/P Farrell and the group presentation next monday...anyway, 8 days till first paper, that being ICA...what can i say now that the semester's coming to a close soon?

First, my CAP may go down, and if that happens, I hope it does not slide very badly, after all, I still want to keep in touch with what I still want to achieve primarily...

Secondly, transition from one leadership post to another is not easy, and it takes time...it's bad that I have to learn it the hard way, but then that means that I can fully concentrate in what I want to achieve for a long while now...

Thirdly, I still have interests in Arts club as far as I am concerned...yup, Rag 2006 will always have my attention in a way or another, because then again Rag is in my blood, although I admit that I will not be participating in a major way...more like I can provide assistance to the new com and secure a permanent foat building site, rehearsal rooms, accomodation for raggers, old and new alike, that of which I would do that with Hock, and other relevant people.

Lastly, time management. I have fallen foul of it.

Haiz...to the exams!

Have I hit rock bottom?

It's been a long while...I haven't been doing well...

Put it simply, I have no idea what is wrong with me. The fact is that I am breaking all the wrong milestones.

Finishing an essay through the night, scoring a spectacular new low for my mid term tests, which is definitely not acceptable since the rest are all scoring As, and then getting a lousy grade for my research essay...

Suddenly I ask myself whether have I bitten off too much that I can chew?

I didn't ask that myself, it was Fiona who did. It just struck me that to good in one thing, I am sacrificing so much academically to make it there. I t was just what Thomas himself said when he told me that I am smashed between Arts Club and PS Soc itself.

I admit that I have not been fully detaching myself from Arts club official matters when I should, and this has resulted in my poor grades. As a result, I am increasingly becoming moody...and become quite despondent. So much that I have no idea whether I can maintain my current CAP. I really hope that I can maintain it at least, but it will take a superherculean effort to do that in my opinion.

I don't know what to say now, except just these things:

I know that I have compromised a lot of things, but I want to repair the damage. Priority now: Books. May the gods bless me in achieving what I wanted to achieve: maintenance of my CAP score, if not better.

For that is just good enough for me right now...

Guilty Conscience

It seems funny that I still have the mood to blog when I have a mid term test that is 9 hours away...

But having not blogged for some time, I definitely must say something...

I am disturbed by what has happened to me these few days.

The issue is that it is not about happy things, but bad comments. Comments from all people, be it those who know me since a long while, those in Arts Club, and even those in PS Soc at the current moment. Right now, it seems that I have not performed up to what I am required to.

Then I had to dig to the bottom of the matter, and ask myself what the heck is wrong with me.

The answer to this, as Thomas would tell me, is ever so simple. I am willing to take on anything that comes, but sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. Some people can be forgiving in the mistakes I make, others merciless. But I myself realise that I am running on dangerous territory now. How dangerous? Very dangerous. In terms of my commitments, studies, personal life, whatever. Other people are leading happy lives, here I am, wearing a mask, hiding my troubles, slogging on, but at the same time, tripping more times than I would have liked.

At the end of the day, I realise that I am no saint. But I also realise than I must work to be a saint. For in the process, someone will be wiling to help anyone of us who is willing to change his bad points. Just like me. I believe that I msut undergo a complete change. TOTAL change, I mean . (In reference to one of the modules I am studying :P)

Discard my MCP character, be more willing to listen, be less authoritative, know my limits, be more organised, disciplined, etc...etc....etc...

I think that also explains why I am not able to break into the inner circle of friends in which whom I should be working with. Simply that I am viewed with suspicion. And that I have not fully demonstrated what I am supposed to, and what I can do.

I am going to change all that.

So much for recognition

I was reading Ivan's blog the other day, and it struck me about the issue of being recognised for what you have done.

This is a sensitive issue in my opinion. I don't think I have seen that many comments to a certain blog for the moment.

When people say that awards are superficial, I actually don't quite think that this is the case. Cut the 'big-hearted' crap. Especially when you have obviously done a damn lot more things than a lot of other people, and the ones getting the 'recognition' are those who haven't done a lot throughout the whole year, it is understandable to say that something is definitely wrong with the system.

Sometimes, the thing is that recognition is not given to the people who should be really commended. If that happens, or if you can see it happen, the very common sensible thing is just to ignore this whole thing and seek a better place which you will definitely be appreciated, or catch up on things that you have defnitely sacrificed for the thing that you have thought is worth it, but now it isn't anymore. Some of the comments on that blog tell the truth...I like the candidness. Sometimes, cronies do reign, and we cannot do anything about it. But life moves on, and there are better things to do than to sulk over this. I myself think that I deserve more, but what I have learnt is that popularity, not just hard work matters more.

Ivan, if you happen to stumble upon or read this, the above paragraph is for you.

Right now I am quite stressed. Just finished my history essay but still have 3 more to go, and the worse thing is, I have to quarrel with Jianwu over the President of the 26th. Jianwu, if you are reading this, you know what I have told you the other day. I admit that it is not nice, but I am still telling you this because I care and know you 100 times better than anyone else in NUS does. Not even she can compete with me on that. Anyway, do think about it. After all, I have already moved on, and I think that it is time you do the same. I have seen friends like you who have gone worse. Taken up smoking, wallowing in self pity, declaring no relationships and the what not, and yet they are still feeling miserable after this very long while. I don't want a friend like you to waste time thinking about things you should not spend time on. It's over, keep the good memories, cast away the bad, and just start walking in another positive direction.

Jianwu, this above paragraph is for you...

The last thing that I want to say is that I myself personally find it difficult to break through the invisible barrier of friendship between friends that I thought I know quite well. Today it strikes me that I am sort of kept out of the things that clearly define that although they recognise me as a friend, but I do not belong in their league. Friends itself is a big hierachy, ranging to personal friends who know you inside out and willing to share anything, to acquaintances, to the 'hi' and 'bye' friends. The issue is that to this new group of people, I am a little worried because as I am going to work with them, I am unable to bring matters and relations up a level. I suppose it's because of the fact that I have not been working with them last year. Until now, I am still being seen as a man from my previous organisation, that's why I am not being given the trust yet. Right now, I am just going to stick to my portfolio

Also, I have decided that MCP cannot go along with SNAG. I have personally analysed that that is the reason why I am not romantically involved. At least that's what some people tell me, that MCP is putting off a lot of people. So much for the new generation of people. But I suppose that must be done if I can stand any chance of getting romantically involved. I can only to find a suitable partner soon, for this is what I lack in my life right now. It sucks, but I am doing everything I can to resume my original character as a Mr Nice Guy, and nothing more at that. It just hit me that it is about time I settle down, or otherwise, I will be in big trouble when the time really comes to start a new generation. Friends have been asking me about a new girlfriend, but I have been ambivalent simply because of the fact that I do not have the confidence to woo girls, so as to speak. I will need advice on this soon.

Can someone tell me what should I do to make myself:
- more personable?
- more trusted?
- more recognised for what I am good at and not what I am good for as a commodity?

P.S. Boston confirmed!

I cannot just forget that...

It has been another week, but this one's like it's really ending it all this time...

Thank you Dinner 2005 at the M Hotel will be something that I will personally not forget for the rest of my life. I thought if there was to be something which will mark the complete transition of the Arts Club leadership, this would seriously be it.

It has been a long while recollecting all those moments which I have gone with the MC for the past academic year. All this way, I cannot forget the fact that it all seemed like yesterday when I am in another thank you dinner for the 24th MC. Then on, I cannot forget the words the seniors whom I have deep respect for told me when I stepped up. The words of support that Keyou, Aaron, Joey, Big Ben, Rudy, Jasmine have told me. I cannot forget every single word of it.

Fast forward to one year later.

I have come to a self-evaluation of myself, and as I shook the hands of the same people whom I talked to last time around, I can proudly walk tall again. The same people have told me that my contributions to the development of Insomniac will always be remembered among those who can see it, and told me to carry on whatever I am doing now. A few of my friends also congratulated me in the manner that I have done my work that is clear and transparent for all to see.

I thought I might as well take the chance to thank a few people here.

Through my whole tenure in MC: Gerri and Ivan. I cannot ask for any better help than this wonderful couple in helping through my rough patches in MC.

Raggers 2005: Benedict, Ian, Christine, Celine, Keyou, the whole of Rag Com, Reuben, Brandon, Jennifer, Denise, Charlotte, Yuen Mei, Shu Ning, all the techies and dancers plus the whole of my Arts Camp OG, Remus for carrying on the ragger tradition all the way to the max!

MC wise: to these people whom I sought counsel the most: Beng, Hock, and the rest... I love you all...

My cell level: Gregory, Gabriel, Bhavani and Selena

My emotional and moral levels of support: Joey, Aaron

And not forgetting the ever special Jianwu and Fiona...

It hit me on the students exchange forum for the Arts Faculty CCAs that Chuin was not particularly happy at the fact that I am still associating myself with Arts Club although I have technically stepped down. I just do not wish to tell her that, but it's hard for me to walk out on them even though I admit that there have been unpleasant moments in there which I want to forget. It's difficult to just walk away like that, but I must do that in PS Soc as well. Right now, I just need time to compose myself, and seriously work on my new portfolio now.

Somethings hit me hard...

It has been 2 weeks...since my last post...

That's because it took me a while to think about a few things, and the fact that it has been a momentous 14 days, so I needed to reflect on what I am doing, and I just realised how how these things have been on me.

The 26th MC Internals was momentous in a big way for me, because it signified that whatever happened in the elections, the 25th MC will be in existence for only 1 more week, and the fate of the club for the next year lies in the hands of the 26th...to add to the equation, 2 people had already dropped out, in which i personally think that is very disheartening given that there were very few seniors, and now only 3 remain...

The elections was far more peculiar than any election that I have seen, with a lot of NCV (i will not tell what that is,), a few contested positions for slots that I don't think can ever get contested (NUSSU included), and they did, including mine, and the whole process ended at around 3.30 am. I was personally not happy at the way the nominees for my post campaigned for it, for they both wanted me to help out largely in their cell. Hey, so much for potential leadership for these 2. In the end, one triumphed, and by what I have already promised, I have to help, and seemingly, my fate to Arts club does not end with the 25th. At least not for now.

Something did strike me that the freshies in the 26th MC did not really know what they were running for, and how are they going to work about their new job scopes. To add on to the story, it seems that there were a lot of people in my MC who were against Hock running for President, in which he got it after a contest. But i openly supported him because I know him well, and while admitting that there are new problems that he is going to handle both internal and external, and both are of urgent priorities, I know that he is the only man who can do the job. No one else can do that. The same cannot be said for my successor though, but I will do my very best to help out.

Cos this is the place where I started from, and I am obliged to give something back to it.

Fast forward to 10 days later, and the AGM. This was the day where I was waiting for...the day which I gave my report on what I have achieved since the whole academic year. That's where I found my report to be an amended version, and a very sudden one, which my last 3 points were cut off. Just like that.

I will never forgive the person who edited my report, because she is making a mockery of what I have done. I have done given my 110% for this place, and this is what I get in return?

Seriously, by the time you read this, my friend, I may do something about this, and I will make sure that she will live with that mistake for the rest of the time that she is still here. I am truly disappointed that this has to happen, but it must be done. It will be subtle, but the aim of itnwill still be achieved. That she must exercise responsibility for whatever she does, and she cannot get away scot free just like that. People like her are what pisses me off the most.

Still, back to the issue...AGM took a rather long time to conclude, but when it was over, something larger had hit me in my mind. The 25th MC had ceased to exist. Just like that.

A year has passed since the day the last AGM came...and I guessed I have matured a lot more...I know better how this place operates now, and I have decided that my time has come and gone for me. How people will remember and judge me as a person in both work and personally is up to them, for I have totally nothing to hide.

I work and leave this place with my character and dignity intact.

Now all my efforts are on just 3 things: studies, PSSOC, and catching up with friends that I have lost touch with since I started work in the 25th one year ago...

Priorities...

I am typing this now after having a few chats with a few friends of mine, some being very close friends, others being people I have worked with in Arts Club itself...I have learnt a few insights...

ROP did reveal a few key things for me, as I came to realise...not just for the participants, but also for the committee itself. Firstly, the dynamics of the 26th are not as strong as I thought. There have been mini cliques among groups of people, and there has been kind of ostracising towards one fellow member of the 26th MC...that's so much as to what I have seen in the 26th for the time I have been able to spend for ROP....

I compare that in contrast to PS Soc and the com that I am in. The situation that I have seen is much more different than what I have seen in ROP itself...I put it very simply, it's obvious that the com has been able to discuss sbout club affairs openly and above board even though we have different ideas and opinions about them. All this without going thru an MC camp or anythng of this sort. Hmm...that makes me think whether ROP actually divides the com and hurts com dynamics from the start. That problem did arise in the 25th....so...anyway....

Just checked out the figures I have to raise in my new post...it's pretty outstanding to say the least...in all respects, that's some work for me to look at, so hmm...will definitely pose a new challenge of sorts to me...I am relishing this.

Haiz, I must rebalance this with school work...readings, tutorials, projects, etc...so I am in effect as busy as a bee in my own right.

Memories are hard to forget...I will always treasure them....especially for what has happened the minute I stepped into NUS since.

My second post...

It's been a long while since the first...but I will post my second now....but anyway...

It's late August...long time after all this has been done...there have been a lot of things to absorb...the comfort of it is that I can freely express it here.

First of all, just want to say that Arts Camp for me had the ups and downs of it all: the ups, having and meeting a remarkable OG which suddenly added a new spice of things to my life. I have never met a group of individuals who have brightened my life just by meeting and having fun with them, even though I was not with them for long periods of time. Here's to you, Remus! ; the downs, is such that whatever the guys think of me in the 8th OM basically have no trust in me anymore...they just had the excuse to run campus tour down, in which I think is just outwardly synonymous with bastards. So much for a man who has given his every ounce of sweat, dedication and thinking to all that I have been asked to do...only to get this in return.

Then came rag. The thing for me is that Rag for me has been ongoing for since my last post. We have been working non stop. The day when I started to see freshies come down and dance, do tech, I started to believe in the spirit of rag again. The numbers were not encouraging, and I sent my appeals for assistance...so much for everything...those whom I thought were my friends did not answer...even those who came down, came with a political agenda. I will not say who, but the formation of the incoming MC will tell of the results of that 'realpolitik'. However, against all the odds, Arts rag came out good, I would say now, the best among it all. It was definitely the best float simply because me, Jianwu, Fiona, Keyou and the few of us have dared to take the challenge of building something that was not done since 2000. How about that?

But the one that touched me more...was the float itself...and the presentation on rag day...I was just overcome by the performance of our dancers...freshies I saw them, some seniors who joined too...but raggers at the end of it all...

We are Raggerfied!

If that was not all, then came the stuff for MC...I came back to the place...suddenly I do not feel at home anymore...I was thinking very deeply whether I should join the 26th MC...but I got a call...

One call that decidedly swung my decision even against the advice of one of the seniors whom I respected the most in regards about MC life and running...this friend of mine called me...and offered me a damn good proposition. Something I cannot refuse. I just cannot refuse a trip to Harvard to debate with some of the world's best undergrads. I just cannot miss that. It was then that I realised that I missed out on something big. Something, that both Jianwu and Fiona told me.

I needed to do something that I like, and I will never ever regret doing.

That was it. It was done...I suppose whoever reads this blog with interest about me not running for the MC, all I can say is that I have been used as a weapon instead of assessing my true capabilities...I wished and I know that given my capability that I can go for something more...but those people in the MC that I thought understood me well enough, were simply, which I think, too political.

As a PS major I know that playing too much politics kills...Just look at the Philippines for the best example.

Right now, I am sitting here...and I am starting to enjoy things now...now I can disengage myself from what I think I should let go...

someone said this..."ren2 yao4 na2 de4 qi3, ye3 yao4 dong3 de2 fang4 de4 xia4"...meaning one should know when to take up...and when to let go...

I only have ROP camp to go...so I think it's about time...still...I will not forget Arts Club...but more importantly...I can now embrace what I know is precious...and reclaim what I have lost...

I am truly free...

P.S. I will be back for my 3rd blog....

I initially did not believe in posting blogs...but will just give it a go...hmmm....

Today was a rather simple yet tiring day...weird to say that since I am at home the whole day....

The only thing that I needed to attend to was a tuition clash in the morning, and me did not manage to help Jianwu call the rest in time...Kind of did not make my day already...The after lunch, spent some time watching TV, and yes...Liverpool's comeback against AC Milan...which I tell myself if a team that is taken to be dead and buried halfway in the game can revitalize itself, why can't people reinvent themselves when their chips are down? I have been disgusted when what I have done so far, and what I have believed in just seems to get a slap in the face, kick downs, ignorances by fellow friends all alike. They say that I have been chasing for a lost cause.

I can never forget a friend who just called me a while ago and asked me why I chose not to work and to rather help out in campus activities that seem to give nothing in return. Or do they? Working does give OJT and money in the short run...but I am always a firm believer in meeting more people in campus...given my very steely and sometimes cold nature wif an obvious inferiority complex, it would definitely be better to know more friends and build better relationships. For now, I just hope for good results to come...in the academic sense this week of course, and a much more lively week ahead! Then maybe I may not get as philosophical as today...haha...

*Yawnz*....now going to sleep...and me just remembered that I will be staying in sch for literally the week ahead....some *lively* week ahead....