Have I hit rock bottom?

It's been a long while...I haven't been doing well...

Put it simply, I have no idea what is wrong with me. The fact is that I am breaking all the wrong milestones.

Finishing an essay through the night, scoring a spectacular new low for my mid term tests, which is definitely not acceptable since the rest are all scoring As, and then getting a lousy grade for my research essay...

Suddenly I ask myself whether have I bitten off too much that I can chew?

I didn't ask that myself, it was Fiona who did. It just struck me that to good in one thing, I am sacrificing so much academically to make it there. I t was just what Thomas himself said when he told me that I am smashed between Arts Club and PS Soc itself.

I admit that I have not been fully detaching myself from Arts club official matters when I should, and this has resulted in my poor grades. As a result, I am increasingly becoming moody...and become quite despondent. So much that I have no idea whether I can maintain my current CAP. I really hope that I can maintain it at least, but it will take a superherculean effort to do that in my opinion.

I don't know what to say now, except just these things:

I know that I have compromised a lot of things, but I want to repair the damage. Priority now: Books. May the gods bless me in achieving what I wanted to achieve: maintenance of my CAP score, if not better.

For that is just good enough for me right now...

Guilty Conscience

It seems funny that I still have the mood to blog when I have a mid term test that is 9 hours away...

But having not blogged for some time, I definitely must say something...

I am disturbed by what has happened to me these few days.

The issue is that it is not about happy things, but bad comments. Comments from all people, be it those who know me since a long while, those in Arts Club, and even those in PS Soc at the current moment. Right now, it seems that I have not performed up to what I am required to.

Then I had to dig to the bottom of the matter, and ask myself what the heck is wrong with me.

The answer to this, as Thomas would tell me, is ever so simple. I am willing to take on anything that comes, but sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. Some people can be forgiving in the mistakes I make, others merciless. But I myself realise that I am running on dangerous territory now. How dangerous? Very dangerous. In terms of my commitments, studies, personal life, whatever. Other people are leading happy lives, here I am, wearing a mask, hiding my troubles, slogging on, but at the same time, tripping more times than I would have liked.

At the end of the day, I realise that I am no saint. But I also realise than I must work to be a saint. For in the process, someone will be wiling to help anyone of us who is willing to change his bad points. Just like me. I believe that I msut undergo a complete change. TOTAL change, I mean . (In reference to one of the modules I am studying :P)

Discard my MCP character, be more willing to listen, be less authoritative, know my limits, be more organised, disciplined, etc...etc....etc...

I think that also explains why I am not able to break into the inner circle of friends in which whom I should be working with. Simply that I am viewed with suspicion. And that I have not fully demonstrated what I am supposed to, and what I can do.

I am going to change all that.

So much for recognition

I was reading Ivan's blog the other day, and it struck me about the issue of being recognised for what you have done.

This is a sensitive issue in my opinion. I don't think I have seen that many comments to a certain blog for the moment.

When people say that awards are superficial, I actually don't quite think that this is the case. Cut the 'big-hearted' crap. Especially when you have obviously done a damn lot more things than a lot of other people, and the ones getting the 'recognition' are those who haven't done a lot throughout the whole year, it is understandable to say that something is definitely wrong with the system.

Sometimes, the thing is that recognition is not given to the people who should be really commended. If that happens, or if you can see it happen, the very common sensible thing is just to ignore this whole thing and seek a better place which you will definitely be appreciated, or catch up on things that you have defnitely sacrificed for the thing that you have thought is worth it, but now it isn't anymore. Some of the comments on that blog tell the truth...I like the candidness. Sometimes, cronies do reign, and we cannot do anything about it. But life moves on, and there are better things to do than to sulk over this. I myself think that I deserve more, but what I have learnt is that popularity, not just hard work matters more.

Ivan, if you happen to stumble upon or read this, the above paragraph is for you.

Right now I am quite stressed. Just finished my history essay but still have 3 more to go, and the worse thing is, I have to quarrel with Jianwu over the President of the 26th. Jianwu, if you are reading this, you know what I have told you the other day. I admit that it is not nice, but I am still telling you this because I care and know you 100 times better than anyone else in NUS does. Not even she can compete with me on that. Anyway, do think about it. After all, I have already moved on, and I think that it is time you do the same. I have seen friends like you who have gone worse. Taken up smoking, wallowing in self pity, declaring no relationships and the what not, and yet they are still feeling miserable after this very long while. I don't want a friend like you to waste time thinking about things you should not spend time on. It's over, keep the good memories, cast away the bad, and just start walking in another positive direction.

Jianwu, this above paragraph is for you...

The last thing that I want to say is that I myself personally find it difficult to break through the invisible barrier of friendship between friends that I thought I know quite well. Today it strikes me that I am sort of kept out of the things that clearly define that although they recognise me as a friend, but I do not belong in their league. Friends itself is a big hierachy, ranging to personal friends who know you inside out and willing to share anything, to acquaintances, to the 'hi' and 'bye' friends. The issue is that to this new group of people, I am a little worried because as I am going to work with them, I am unable to bring matters and relations up a level. I suppose it's because of the fact that I have not been working with them last year. Until now, I am still being seen as a man from my previous organisation, that's why I am not being given the trust yet. Right now, I am just going to stick to my portfolio

Also, I have decided that MCP cannot go along with SNAG. I have personally analysed that that is the reason why I am not romantically involved. At least that's what some people tell me, that MCP is putting off a lot of people. So much for the new generation of people. But I suppose that must be done if I can stand any chance of getting romantically involved. I can only to find a suitable partner soon, for this is what I lack in my life right now. It sucks, but I am doing everything I can to resume my original character as a Mr Nice Guy, and nothing more at that. It just hit me that it is about time I settle down, or otherwise, I will be in big trouble when the time really comes to start a new generation. Friends have been asking me about a new girlfriend, but I have been ambivalent simply because of the fact that I do not have the confidence to woo girls, so as to speak. I will need advice on this soon.

Can someone tell me what should I do to make myself:
- more personable?
- more trusted?
- more recognised for what I am good at and not what I am good for as a commodity?

P.S. Boston confirmed!