After what can be said to be a very rocky (and in my preception not smooth) year in 2007, I was forced to reflect, despair and come up with new realisations and new ideas which hopefully can bring me into 2008.
Not a lot of resolutions this time, but just 3 of them:
1) Good results, and a good job
2) Preservation of friendships and new ones...
3) And the continual pursuit of who I seek to be the one....
Ok, that's abt it...reflections on 2007 in my next post =)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
The worst day of my life
Today's the worst day of my life...
Some people tell me that results don't matter - but is it true really? In Singapore that is definitely not the case - good results matter.
All hopes for me getting a good career start have died with my results that I gotten today. It's just that everything I have tried, all the expectations I set of myself which I thought I can achieve - are all in that moment...gone...
When I reflect on what one minister said about the justification of the raising of ministers' pay to attract top 'potential' ministers from our generation - I was thinking - so what happens to people such as me who can't meet these criteria? Are we destined to become cannon fodder of other top 'peoples'?
When I know that others are rejoicing over their results today, I can do nothing but to sit at one corner, think and tell myself that this is yet another wrong choice I have made.
Perhaps I should not have done Honours. I may not be cut out for it after all.
So what's the solution for me now? Good question - I have not found any.
Everything which I worked on and possible progress I have seen have become false dawns. It's become dark just when everything else seems to be bright.
The end of the tunnel? Not yet. I fear that I am stuck in this abyss which I cannot find a way out.
So what's the solution?
Determination? Courage - I don't think I have any of that left.
Suicide? - Good suggestion but a stupid idea.
Conclusion: I am lost - lost because I can't find a way out of myself.
Scary isn't it? I know some of you guys who are reading this may find this childish - but I can tell you this - do not criticise me or whatever if you have never have felt this kind of feeling before.
I have taken in a lot of flak, absorbed a lot of difficulties and tackled as best as I could - but this is one too much for me.
To my friends...if you have any suggestions which you can help, I thank you. Otherwise - please do not rub it in.
The very least you can do is to leave me alone.
...
...
...
This indeed will be the worst countdown and transition to the new year that I have ever known.
Some people tell me that results don't matter - but is it true really? In Singapore that is definitely not the case - good results matter.
All hopes for me getting a good career start have died with my results that I gotten today. It's just that everything I have tried, all the expectations I set of myself which I thought I can achieve - are all in that moment...gone...
When I reflect on what one minister said about the justification of the raising of ministers' pay to attract top 'potential' ministers from our generation - I was thinking - so what happens to people such as me who can't meet these criteria? Are we destined to become cannon fodder of other top 'peoples'?
When I know that others are rejoicing over their results today, I can do nothing but to sit at one corner, think and tell myself that this is yet another wrong choice I have made.
Perhaps I should not have done Honours. I may not be cut out for it after all.
So what's the solution for me now? Good question - I have not found any.
Everything which I worked on and possible progress I have seen have become false dawns. It's become dark just when everything else seems to be bright.
The end of the tunnel? Not yet. I fear that I am stuck in this abyss which I cannot find a way out.
So what's the solution?
Determination? Courage - I don't think I have any of that left.
Suicide? - Good suggestion but a stupid idea.
Conclusion: I am lost - lost because I can't find a way out of myself.
Scary isn't it? I know some of you guys who are reading this may find this childish - but I can tell you this - do not criticise me or whatever if you have never have felt this kind of feeling before.
I have taken in a lot of flak, absorbed a lot of difficulties and tackled as best as I could - but this is one too much for me.
To my friends...if you have any suggestions which you can help, I thank you. Otherwise - please do not rub it in.
The very least you can do is to leave me alone.
...
...
...
This indeed will be the worst countdown and transition to the new year that I have ever known.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Greetings...and it's been a long while coming
It's been a long while since I posted something here...and I duly should.
First of all, apologies as the whole semester is ruining me already - physically and mentally. I just can't understand what's the point of creativity, clarity and freedom of expression when ultimately it's going to get marked down by lecturers because they already have their own opinions about things?
I am just very pissed at one such research assignment...sighz...
By the way, welcome to you if this is the first time you come into here due to the increased publicity I have given to this reclusive side of myself - I do treasure my privacy haha...
Ok, in the midst of exams, I only want to say that I am not having a good time out here - after suffering from 'paper nukes' and 'lightning strikes' and 'mines' and etc... So I just want to get this done over with - and then look to get my job next sem. I guess that's the best way out as it seems to be that I am not really cut out for any more studying anymore. It's been one hell of a semester and it's wiping me out.
For those of you who are still having papers, like me, good luck to you all...As for the rest, enjoy the duly deserved 1 month break...
I will see what lies in store for me - but after this paper my driving test - yup you heard it - is due exactly due 8 days from now to Next Wednesday - will update more on that soon =)
Otherwise, all the best guys, and I hope to catch up with you guys soon...
Now back to my last paper...and continued mugging.
First of all, apologies as the whole semester is ruining me already - physically and mentally. I just can't understand what's the point of creativity, clarity and freedom of expression when ultimately it's going to get marked down by lecturers because they already have their own opinions about things?
I am just very pissed at one such research assignment...sighz...
By the way, welcome to you if this is the first time you come into here due to the increased publicity I have given to this reclusive side of myself - I do treasure my privacy haha...
Ok, in the midst of exams, I only want to say that I am not having a good time out here - after suffering from 'paper nukes' and 'lightning strikes' and 'mines' and etc... So I just want to get this done over with - and then look to get my job next sem. I guess that's the best way out as it seems to be that I am not really cut out for any more studying anymore. It's been one hell of a semester and it's wiping me out.
For those of you who are still having papers, like me, good luck to you all...As for the rest, enjoy the duly deserved 1 month break...
I will see what lies in store for me - but after this paper my driving test - yup you heard it - is due exactly due 8 days from now to Next Wednesday - will update more on that soon =)
Otherwise, all the best guys, and I hope to catch up with you guys soon...
Now back to my last paper...and continued mugging.
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