Guilty Conscience

It seems funny that I still have the mood to blog when I have a mid term test that is 9 hours away...

But having not blogged for some time, I definitely must say something...

I am disturbed by what has happened to me these few days.

The issue is that it is not about happy things, but bad comments. Comments from all people, be it those who know me since a long while, those in Arts Club, and even those in PS Soc at the current moment. Right now, it seems that I have not performed up to what I am required to.

Then I had to dig to the bottom of the matter, and ask myself what the heck is wrong with me.

The answer to this, as Thomas would tell me, is ever so simple. I am willing to take on anything that comes, but sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. Some people can be forgiving in the mistakes I make, others merciless. But I myself realise that I am running on dangerous territory now. How dangerous? Very dangerous. In terms of my commitments, studies, personal life, whatever. Other people are leading happy lives, here I am, wearing a mask, hiding my troubles, slogging on, but at the same time, tripping more times than I would have liked.

At the end of the day, I realise that I am no saint. But I also realise than I must work to be a saint. For in the process, someone will be wiling to help anyone of us who is willing to change his bad points. Just like me. I believe that I msut undergo a complete change. TOTAL change, I mean . (In reference to one of the modules I am studying :P)

Discard my MCP character, be more willing to listen, be less authoritative, know my limits, be more organised, disciplined, etc...etc....etc...

I think that also explains why I am not able to break into the inner circle of friends in which whom I should be working with. Simply that I am viewed with suspicion. And that I have not fully demonstrated what I am supposed to, and what I can do.

I am going to change all that.