Some thoughts…and a painful decision

It is in the wee hours of the morning that I decided that I should type this post which has been delayed for far too long…

For long I have delayed posting one up due to the fact that I needed time to compose my thoughts properly – and now is a good time to recap everything that has happened the past few months since my last post.

Work has been far more difficult than I thought – the scope itself is something which I have not been able to fully understand yet – and I can feel the weight of expectation of me having to be able to learn something from these few months. Whether it is writing reports, or reporting updates, or liasing with people, I am expected at this time to know a few things already and get into motion. Especially when there is a huge change of leadership that has been ongoing at my branch and will not end until early next year at the latest.

My greatest fear is that despite my own will to learn as much as possible, I may have committed far too many mistakes for me to be considered for a permanent posting. Hence I have decided to plan for alternatives should the very worst happen – I hope not, but I must be prepared for it. With the change of leadership at my own section and my own bosses, the cooperative element in my branch has been taken away. Sadly to what I have realized in public administration in PS, applying good organizational theories are very much dependent on the nature and personality of the leaders enforcing it. My disappointment is that some of my bosses may not have the foresight to deal key ideas across in a sensible and convincing manner that will win the respect of everyone in the branch. Cue MNO1001 – again. Except that since they just came like me, I have to stick with them…I guess I do not have a choice.

With regards to dynamics between colleagues, I guess being seen as a serious person on and off work is not a good thing. However, that may be something that is proving harder for myself to overcome. Often I have adopted a very straightforward approach, and not being able to accept daily ironies and jokes to relieve stress – and even when I tried, have been using the wrong methods in doing it. This indicates that handling life in the public sector is a different ball-game from the private, and I guess I am still too much buried in the private sector mentality. As a result, I have not been able to click that well with my colleagues, which can be very frustrating. But I realize that I have to melt the ice in my own heart to be more acceptable, receptive and approachable.

Perhaps it is my own personality that has affected everything else around me – a weak social life, on and off romances (or attempts at it), and more things. Having just attended my former secondary school classmate’s wedding pointed out very much to me why I cannot think of marriage – marriage and romance just do not click with my own personality which I do not see much wrong with until today. So therefore, today, I make this very vow – I will not think of romance and achievements until I can totally change my personality – and that will take time.