Personal Frustration

Perhaps it is then I realise some things cannot change – and will not change.

I just realize that whatever I do, I cannot hide my weaknesses and they will again get exploited. And the basic respect that I will get as a member of my workplace will never be realized.

It is that sad really.

I can probably do whatever I can to rectify them, but as I realize, first impressions stick and I will have to go a long way to rectify them.

Sometimes I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by staying back to do things as best as I can do, but the mere thought that they will get totally changed can be a very demoralizing thing.

Also, I am feeling that the support of my colleagues in helping me get my job done is not far there – as it is always said that the key thing that breaks one’s back sometimes is the dynamics with the immediate boss, and the key colleagues in and around him. But I feel extremely let down by one of them – and this will be something that I know will stick. I think I have already made my grievances quite loudly known – but the mere helplessness of me knows that I am probably a useless fool – whether that will change is a big question.

One of my mentors told me that probably I should consider getting out as soon as technically I am able to. One part of me says that I should, but the other part of me warns me that fighting so hard to get in here, it will be stupid to get out before I have learnt everything that I must learn. The latter is what I am inclined to do, but losing the confidence of my big bosses will also play a big part to my own future. Whatever I do, they will never support whatever I say, whatever I do and simply my presence will soon enough be untenable. Despite what they say about staying back to help me make things work, deep down in my mind I have this extremely bad feeling that the reverse is the case.

So it is a hard decision to make - and no one can help me decide on that.

Knowing my own weakness at such things, it is hard to decide at times – perhaps I should take time, consider all options I have and tell myself if staying here is the best thing I can do. After all, it is one thing to travel from one end of the country from another. But it is something else altogether to take abuse especially when I know I don't deserve all of that crap.

‘Adaptability’ – I thought I am doing what I can to stay afloat. Apparently to some, it is not enough.

Maybe I am that useless after all – after all, everyone that I can talk to about this has gone but I am still here.

Maybe it may not be that good to do my 100% when I am not getting what I should get.

This time round - I think this is one good grouse that I need to get off my back. Problem is - I need to think of a way out - hope for the best....hope for the best....

Can I say anything more?